What is health to you?
We often find ourselves being told what health is by doctors, by practitioners, the media, news, so many different sources that we think we can trust, we often forget the most important one to apply this question to. With that being said, doctors, health care practitioners and other members of our healthcare team, definitely help guide us and keep us on track. It is up to us to ask the questions, then decide for ourselves what we need so we can tailor what will work best for us.
When I finally asked myself what was health to me, I honestly struggled.
Many would say when I was a young adult, I was healthy because I was at the right weight, my skin looked pretty healthy(a little acne), lots of energy, and all my labs came back normal. According to the standard, I seemed healthy.
However, I couldn't run a mile without hurting and barely being able to walk the next day. I had some of the worst insomnia of my life in my early twenties and up until my early thirties (I honestly can not remember when I slept average hours even as a child). How I ate was typical for an average American; some candy here and there, cookies, cake and or some ice cream for dessert, balanced meal with a starch (complex carb), vegetables and protein (meat). Note: the "junk" food is mentioned first. Depression continued to plague me. It was a battle I was fighting by myself. Often, I called it my depression because I thought I was the only one that could relate to it. It was my own battle. Just as it is for many others; life kept going on, and I kept feeling worse.
I hit 30, started gaining more weight, acne that I've had all of my life got worse. Depression caused my anger and temper to flare constantly, making it difficult for those I cared about to be around me. I had no motivation or energy to make changes. Besides that, I had no idea what changes to make considering for the most part I was pretty average for a healthy person, or so I thought.
Most of my labs came back fairly normal (minor change in cholesterol) but my doctor did notice weight gain combined with the lab result. Over the years she knew most of my habits. She asked me how many jobs I was working, at the time it was three. She asked me what stressors I had going on in my life. My mom was living with me, my relationship that I thought was fairly stable, hit some snags with difficult times we weren't working through well. Insomnia and depression seem to keep me pretty low, and as an energetic person it surprisingly became a horrible struggle to get out of bed most days.
She took a deep breath, looked at me and said by the next time I saw her I had to leave one of the jobs behind and focus on what ones brought me the most fulfillment, and that I couldn't see myself giving up. Just one. I was shocked and torn between feeling like it was possible and impossible. If she was right and it was possible and even a good health choice, how could I do it? I felt I was barely making it with the three jobs. I loved all three work environments too. If she was right though, I could do it, it could be the best thing I ever did. And it was a start. Her questions made me pause to think what else did I need to change to feel better. I found myself asking; when did I feel at my best, what things did I have to do to allow me to be my best self, and the final questions I needed to ask myself; what did Health look like to me and what made me feel my healthiest?
I thought back to when I felt the healthiest. Three areas seemed to be the focal points. When I ate nourishing meals that focused more on vegetables (lots of color) and protein (variety for me). Admitting this also has me realizing I was a junk food junkie. Oftentimes on the go, I would grab something quick and easy which often consisted of chips, cookies, or candy. Which usually left me feeling worse, more tired and less motivated.I felt when I challenged myself with something physically and balanced it with something mentally challenging, I felt more alive. It could be one of the same or two different things. Something new or something I used to do and needed to expand on. I needed both to be my best self. It had been quite a while since I had challenged myself to do something other than education and schooling.
I also realized that my coping skills that I had adapted into my life, were not working anymore. I needed to make a change to be more emotionally mature and stable in myself. To do that, I knew I needed to look closely and thoroughly into myself. To do all this I needed time. I realized my doctor was right, to be able to make these choices, I did have to give up one job to allow myself time to live my life to become my healthiest and best self.I decided to work on one thing at a time until it became easy for me to do. I knew if I took too much on, I would struggle more to make changes.
I allowed myself to love being creative in the kitchen. I focused on nourishing meals that didn't have all the fillers of refined carbs and sugars. (Breads, pastas, grains, and processed foods)I chose to learn to rock climb, with the goal of climbing outside as a completion. I loved it so much that I made the goal in 4 months. I signed up for mud obstacle course races. Originally it was just one, by the end of the year it was more like 6 races that I completed.
Along the way, I learned to enjoy life again and accepted obstacles as a moment to reflect and adjust my perspective. I learned how to be my best friend; to and for myself. Playing mediator and devil's advocate between my child-like side and my overly critical harsh side. Learning to accept each side of me as I got to observe and know myself more in-depth. It took over a year to feel comfortable with my changes and not feel like I was struggling with so many adjustments. Of course life throws some curveballs, starting the center and Covid were some big ones for me.
The shutdown was another adjustment for me, it posed some new challenges. I was ready. I applied what I had learned to allow myself to breathe, trust and focus on what I needed and wanted. Due to fear, I really contemplated going back to the hospital (aka 3 jobs). I reminded myself how far I have come. I asked myself, did I really want to go back to what I knew, due to fear? Or did I want to continue moving forward and seeing where I could go next? I decided to trust the process I started and see where it took me. I got a lot done working on household projects that had taken a backseat. The majority of my time was and is still spent with my animals. I expanded my flock and got more chickens. They are growing and becoming more settled. 🐔 Now, several come and find me in the yard and will ask to be hand fed. I also have had seven kids born this year to my does (female goats). They are the most affectionate little guys. 🐐 Two will run up to me and ask for attention quite loudly. I also spent much needed time with my horses, cats and dogs as well. We loved it. They all complain when I have long work days and weeks now and when I am home I am followed room to room and house to barn and field. They remind me to breathe and take time for myself and us. I had to be very honest with myself with the shut down, so I didn't sink into old habits. I worked through mental challenges to change and be healthier, I kept working on it. I allowed myself to grieve, to feel the loss of the past, my career as I knew it and allow for the future to come as it would (will) and being open to receive my new life as it unfolds. Choosing how I want my best self to be, each day. My time with my animals replaced my time rock climbing and running. My eating habits definitely had some road bumps and ups and downs. The challenges have fluctuated throughout.
With the curve balls calming down a bit, I'm able to adjust and decide what I want to apply and work on next to allow me to continue living my best life and adjusting/shifting to allow for me to be at my healthiest.
My biggest lesson, to find what health is for me; has been to be kind, give grace and understanding to myself so I may accept and love myself, communicating honestly and openly with myself as I transition from one stage to another. I will keep asking myself what health means to me and how I want to keep adjusting it, to fit my current stage of life. I hope you do too.
I leave you with this quote, that I find to be a great reminder for me. “When health is absent, wisdom cannot reveal itself, strength cannot fight, intelligence cannot be applied, art cannot become manifest, wealth becomes useless.” -Ancient Greek physician Herophilus
Thank you, for taking the time for yourself and sharing it with me. I hope you can take something from my story and see where you can go with it.
❣️💫❣️
Samantha Bayless LMT, CPT
